So my whole schedule for blogging kind of fell to the wayside, but I had a full last couple of weeks of family and I don't regret that one ounce. But even if I wasn't working on this series, God was. Something extraordinary happened to me this last week; an event that met my goals and showed me how much I am worth in God's eyes. Last Thursday, the day before my birthday, I was driving down the highway and my car was shaking badly and making an awful sound. I knew I had to get off the highway right away, so the next exit I saw I turned off. Just as I was doing that, the front end of my car fell forward and I saw my tire rolling down the highway. I slammed on my breaks and somehow made it to the side of the off-ramp. What could have happened? I could have lost control and wrecked, possibly getting hurt or killed. My tire could have launched in the air and gone through someone's windshield. What did happen? I called my dad (who happened to be in town), I called a tow truck, I called my boss. The tow truck and my dad came up behind me on the off-ramp an put on my spare tire. My dad was able to drive my car to a shop and get it fixed and I drove to work in my dad's car only 45 min late. You better believe that I was thanking God all day long. The most amazing part of this story is that the night before, I was laying in bed praying and I suddenly thought of my car so I prayed for it and prayed for safety. Can you believe how the Holy Spirit anointed me with this insight? My God protected me with ferocity, allowed me to see Him working in my life, and reminded me I still have purpose on this earth. One of the most scary moments in my life showed me just how real and faithful my God is! I just want to marinate in this truth. So when I said I wanted to leave my goals open for my God to reveal them as He pleases, I didn't picture this, but that's why God is God and I am not.
What I wanted to focus on now is my relationship with God. This is the foundation of my life and if I want to be a strong Christian and affect this world, I need to always start with God. Therefore, I really want to strengthen my knowledge and perspective of Him and build a real relationship with Him. Here's what our Ephesians 4-5 section says:
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Hello all,
I've been looking at my Ephesians series all wrong and I'm here to apologize for that. This last Sunday I wrote a blog about finding myself in God's eyes and I wrote this semi-pompous blog about how I'm basically gold in God's eyes and how I need to know this. So, I coasted through this week making mistake after mistake, harboring wordly emotions and views with every excuse possible, and spending little time with God. This doesn't look like heavenly gold to me. I began wondering what in the world I was going to write my Sunday blog on when I had done so little good this week. Finally, this morning I began reading in James and was met with conviction of quite a few sins I've committed this week. For example, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" (James 1:19) and I can tell you that I failed on that point many times this week. I kept reading chapter 2, 3, 4...and became more and more guilty and discouraged by "how poorly I did my Christian job this week." When suddenly I hit it, James 4:6, "But he gives us more grace." This is it my friends. This is it. Man, I am so terrible at being a Christian. I make so, so, so many mistakes and find myself re-learning things I thought I had already mastered and find myself crying on the floor calling out to God make me feel better. This is me. I am so faulty but "he gives [me] more grace." Yes, I am going to spend my time on earth trying to do good and be better, but for every moment I "succeed," I am going to fall. But it isn't my job to pick myself back up by my bootstraps, because frankly, I deserved to be left on the ground. No, this isn't a pity me moment where I am fishing for compliments, this is reality. It is said clearly in Romans 6:23 that, "the wages of sin is death," and I deserve death. I have sinned a million times and I deserve to die for them. However, the second part of that verse is. "but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Here is where I find my hope, in Christ alone. It is not in my doings or ability to control myself, it's in the fact that I have accepted Jesus into my heart. What this all comes down to is making humility my mission. I should not be living a life of "I deserve this" or "I am gold." I am going to follow James 4:7-10 which says, "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." My job is in the humbling. In the reality of my sin and mistakes. The Lord's job is in the lifting up and the grace. Just like the man invited to the wedding feast in Luke 14:10, "take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, 'Friend, move up to the better place.' Then you will be honored in the presence of all the other guests." God will honor us and lift us up. And please do not do this "humility thing" because you want to be honored, do it because you truly know you deserve to be humbled. As James 4: 1-3 says, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives." Here's my prayer today, "God, I see how faulty I am and how little I deserve to be honored. I deserve to die on a cross because of my sin. But God, you gave up your life to give me mine and I will not take that lightly anymore. God, I humble and submit myself to you. God may you use me as you please and make me something good. I cannot prosper on my own; I need you in every way possible. Lord, I love you and thank you that your grace never ends. In your name I pray, Amen." I don't really have a clever way to open up this blog besides saying God is delivering already. This last week was very challenging, but I saw God changing and working me in every challenge. One of the main highlights of this challenging week was going out to my car Monday morning when I found it wouldn't start at all. I called a cab for the first time, and prayed the cab driver wouldn't kill me. When the cab got here, I hopped in the back and with a laugh I told him about my car not starting. We talked and had a very lovely conversation and he continually complimented me on my bright and cheerful outlook. Indeed he was right, for a woman who is constantly shaken and anxious about situations, I was surprisingly and easily joyful and calm. Towards the end of the drive, he once again complimented my outlook and I took that opportunity to tell him very simply how I get my hope and joy in the Lord. Fast forward to me finding out that my car didn't start simply because it wasn't fully in park (ugh-face palm), I am met with the lesson of the situation. First, I learned that pure Godly joy and peace isn't something I can force, it is a gift from God when I made the decision to give my all to Him. Second, even though things didn't go as planned that morning, I had a "God-appointment" of sorts and got to speak to a stranger about my relationship with God with ease. Which I never have the courage to do by the way. In this first week of just simply praying for this blog/Bible study series, I am changing and growing in ways I never asked or anticipated for, but am so excited to see. Alright, so here's the real meat of this blog. I wanted to take this first week to look at the moments in this passage in Ephesians (4:17-5:20) where Paul makes these quick statements about the certainties we have in God. Before I start looking at the Do's and Do Not's, I wanted to have a firm foundation in my God. So here's what I found:
Also, I want to stress that it doesn't say we are good enough in God, it says we are holy, righteous, a light. I don't know about you, but even on my best days, I don't think of myself as holy by any means. While this is good in some ways, because we don't ever want to lose our humility, we should rest in the fact that we are wonderful in God's eyes. Find that balance of humility and soberness about your state, but also that sense of worth and forgiven state. Therefore, considering all this, my goals for the week are as follows: Most of these are admittedly vague goals, but I want to allow God's definition of these to surface rather than my own. I urge you to come up with your own set of goals which pursue the idea of finding yourself in God. Continue pursuing Him and He will bless you immensely. It may not always be in wonderful things, it may be in cars not starting, or whatever the obstacle, but He will use it all to build and grow you and the Kingdom. Trust Him and desire His will in all.
Today I sat down with my Bible on the picnic table outside my apartment and just started reading. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I turned to Ephesians and found Ephesians 4:17-5:20 which in my Bible is entitled "Instructions for Christian Living." I began to read and was just immensely overwhelmed by the Do's and Do Not's that pointed out the flaws in the way I've been living. I stopped for a minute, put my head in my hands and prayed something like, "God, how can I do all this? How can I change that much? " And I was met with a simple answer, "How can you not?" Being in a relationship with God demands sacrifice, change, devotion. In return you get love, joy, peace, strength, companionship, hope, drive, purpose. In the current way I am living I have been struggling with exhaustion, emptiness, anger, sadness, loneliness, etc. So I think the answer rings so true; how can I not change the way I live? Still, I am left with so much to change. But this is where my prayer I prayed before starting this blog comes in. I prayed to God that I would not try to do this in my own strength, drive, and courage. That I would rely on God to give me all I need to change. That I wouldn't let the obstacles I know I will encounter win. That I pursue and have real, lasting change and become a better woman of God. I don't want this to be a Bible study that ends in the next month or so. I want this to be a Bible study that changes the course of my life. Lord, it's all on you. So, what does this all entail? Each Sunday over the next six weeks I will delve into a different aspect of Christian Living discussed in Ephesians. Week One will be knowing who I am in God; Week Two will be digging into my relationship with God; Week Three will be on my relationship with others; Week Four will be on my own character and tendencies; Week Five will be bringing it all together. Each week I will lay out the commands and truth in these two chapters that relate to that topic. I will then create a list of changes to make during the week. These will not be weak or easy goals; they will be goals that challenge me. I encourage you to take my goals and also develop your own challenges. In the next week, I will speak about my experiences as well as lay out the next section. I am nervous. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of the challenges that lay ahead of me. However, I believe in a God who can do all things and who will be with me every step of the way. If you decide to make this change as well, I know He will be with you every step of the way as well. As I begin this new challenge, I cling to Matthew 21:22, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." So this first week I am going to bathe this Bible Study in prayer. I will ask for God's provision and believe it will be so. Today I was eating breakfast while watching The Office and scanning Facebook. Pretty typical Saturday. I came across a story a couple friends had posted (link is below) about a former Cardinals' pitcher giving his life to Christ after getting stranded somewhere, unaware of where he was due to heavy drinking. He cried out to God to help him and a little while later a cab drove up and they took him home. After that, he dedicated his life to the Lord. He had been invited to church by a teammate for years before this event and was even given a Bible by him. The teammate finally just invited him to a golf tournament which is where this life-changing situation occurred.
After reading this, tears in my eyes, it hit me. This is all up to God. I need to stop thinking that if I don't do something right that a soul won't get saved, or I could drive someone away from God. This teammate did everything right it appears, but really it all came down to God. We should do everything we can to pursue saving people, but God has the control. So often I get bogged down in the details of Christianity, but this just becomes a new form of slavery that God sought to set me free from. As Leviticus 26:13 says, "I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high." The Lord does not ask us to put on the yoke of saving lives or getting everything right, but just asks us to obey Him and come back to Him when we don't. No matter what you may see on the outside, every Christian screws up. They don't follow the prodding of the Holy Spirit, they don't take an opportunity to talk to someone, they get too scared to step out of their comfort zone, they choose to follow their own desires rather than God's. However, they can still be used and they will be used. Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Which God prepared in advance for us to do. He's got a plan, and stop thinking you can change His plan by screwing up. Find freedom in that. Do your best, but ultimately rest in the fact that God's got control. He's going to use you for amazing things. He's going to use me for amazing things. If you're like me, you may feel like you can't be used at all, but I promise you God desires you. He desires to use you for great things. He doesn't want someone "more qualified" or "more put together," He wants you in your entirety. Give yourself to Him and watch the miracles happen. Today during worship I was overwhelmed with an image of me on my knees crying saying, "Lord, how can you love me?" And then Jesus, marred with the wounds of crucifixion and covered in his blood, walked up to me, crouched down and wrapped His arms around me, and said, "I love you and I did all this for you. Is it not enough?" Just let that sink in. Imagine yourself embraced by the Lord, and He's so proud and in love with you. With the gift of the cross, He made us free! Free from doubt, guilt, feelings of being unloved, seeking satisfaction from this world, all of it. The traps of this world have no hold over you anymore. Be undone in His presence. Take off the mask, the image, and settle into His arms. Toss the fakeness out and let your realness show because God loves your undone self. And it feels awfully good to stop trying to live up to what you think a Christian needs to look like. Have a personal faith and relationship with the One who crouches down and holds you. In Luke 18:15-17. Jesus embraces all the children brought to Him and says, "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." What is one of the stark differences between children and adults? Children are completely themselves and free at all times. They don't yet act a certain way because they are trying to fit into a mold. They also love and desire so passionately. I remember one day at work there was a little girl in the waiting room screaming, "I want cookie dough!" All of us working were thinking same girl, same. But would we ever shout it with such passion and vigor? No. But we need to have that same intensity when it comes to following Jesus. We need to pursue it no matter what others may think. Be completely unhinged for the Lord who proclaimed His love for us on the cross. Give Him an ounce of the passion He gave you. So here's to no longer feeling obligated to some notion of Christianity. I'm going to step into this world being passionate for God in the everyday activities and the big moments. Will I falter? Absolutely. But how can I stay down when I have my God who lifts me back up? It's rather embarrassing to admit how naïve I was in middle school, but I mean weren't we all? When I was in middle school, I attended a Christian youth camp and during one service we had to go up to each other and confess a sin or experience we had gone through that was holding us back from God. I remember wracking my brain for something big and coming up with listening to non-Christian music. Everyone else I talked to had these "testimony-worthy", incredible stories and I had my little "sin." It's disturbing to think, but in that moment I was jealous of everyone else's stories. Essentially, I was jealous of their brokenness.
I had grown up in a Christian household, (almost) always did what my parents said, went to church and church functions ect. I had accepted God into my heart at the age of 5 and did not really know what it meant. So being a Christian to me essentially meant hanging out with a certain crowd and being a "good kid." I hadn't yet discovered grace, faith, and love in the way I know it now. My relationship with God was so shallow that I spent most of my time acting out of obligation and fear rather than desire. Growing up I made many mistakes and began to see just how broken and fallible I was. Now brokenness wasn't something to envy, it was something to make excuses for and hide. I felt so dirty and far from God and started coming up with a new idea of what being a Christian is, something further away from even that of my middle school self. It took me confronting that brokenness and sin to finally break all the way and become overwhelmed by guilt and sadness. For many years I lived in shame of myself, convinced I was nothing, tainted, and a fraud. Then, I started to give in to God. I started to see that a relationship with God was one of love and forgiveness. That I needed to stop feeling guilty and starting feeling free. It stills brings tears to my eyes to think of how much He loves me and how when He died on the cross, He thought of me. And they were not resentful thoughts, they were loving thoughts. He would do it over and over again, just for me. Reader, truly believe that God loves you with a magnificent ferocity that you will never get elsewhere. His love conquers all our brokenness. For the past year, I have spent many nights overwhelmed again by my brokenness, sin, and complete sense of inadequacy. One particular weekend I was reduced to sobs, curled up on the floor, so convinced that I was absolute nothing and that no one does or ever could love me. But I tell you, although I will never actively wish for brokenness like I did in middle school, in that brokenness I saw God in a whole new light. We need Him so much, and sometimes He lets us see that in large ways to get that point across. My brokenness emphasizes how I cannot do this without Him. Beyond that, it emphasizes His forgiveness. It is so simple, but we make it so hard. Stop trying to earn God's grace, and step into it! Ephesians 2:8-9 reminds us, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast." You cannot work your way into forgiveness. Heck, we can't even produce our own faith. God gives us everything we need. He knows we are going to fail, break, stumble, and fall, but He loves us just the same. In fact, if we were perfect, what would be the point of God anyway? So if anything, our brokenness strengthens our relationship with God. So take it from me, a severely broken person, that God doesn't just love you when you get everything right. He doesn't just move in your life when you've read your Bible that day. He doesn't just listen to you when you have perfect things to say. He loves you, moves you, and listens to you every day, every moment. You are so loved. Embrace your brokenness and wholeness alike and let it all bring you closer to the unconditional, ever-present love of our Lord. |
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